OneAndOneIs2

1. Answer the phone and don't say anything. They hate that.
2. Flatly deny that you own a telephone. Stick rigidly to this story. Refuse to give any explanations.
3. Enthusiastically go along with their sales pitch, until the last moment. At the last moment, raise a huge problem as though it were a minor trivial issue, and ask if it's ok. e.g. To a double-glazing salesman "By the way, all my windows are less an inch wide. That's no problem, is it?" or to a conservatory salesman "You *do* know I live in a fourth-storey flat, don't you?"
4. Delightedly greet them as though they were your best friend. Tell them all your latest news & gossip. Discuss what you watched on the TV lately. Inquire into their love life. Ask them what books they've read. Complain about the weather. Cheerfully and politely talk about absolutely anything other than what they phoned you for.
5. Ask them to hold on for just a moment: you'll be right back. Optionally, turn on one of those embarrassing records that you pretend not to own because everybody hates it (Everybody has at least one). See how long their patience lasts. If you're lucky, they'll be in one of those centers where they can't actually hang up.
6. Explain that you are actually your own son/daughter, answering the phone because your parents were both tragically killed. If you're feeling particularly tenacious, try and get them to donate money towards the funeral.
7. Pinch your nose and pretend to be an answerphone recording. See if you can make a beep realistic enough to fool them into leaving a message.
8. If you've still got an old 56k modem on your PC, hit the "dialup" button. When they ask what the godawful screeching and beeping is, deny all knowledge.
9. Answer the phone with "Hi, I'm in a public phone box and I don't have any more coins. Can you take my number and call me back?"
10. Pretend to be deaf. Accuse them of mumbling, then complain they're shouting too loud. Repeat.
11. Act normally. Quietly inflate a balloon while they're talking. Suddenly scream "Who are you? What are you doing in my house? Is that a gun?" and pop the balloon with a pin. Drop the phone and get on with whatever you were doing until the police arrive.

Any other suggestions? :o)