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Fri, May 19, 2006

[Icon][Icon]Ways to annoy cold-callers

• Post categories: Omni
  1. Answer the phone and don't say anything. They hate that.
  2. Flatly deny that you own a telephone. Stick rigidly to this story. Refuse to give any explanations.
  3. Enthusiastically go along with their sales pitch, until the last moment. At the last moment, raise a huge problem as though it were a minor trivial issue, and ask if it's ok. e.g. To a double-glazing salesman "By the way, all my windows are less an inch wide. That's no problem, is it?" or to a conservatory salesman "You *do* know I live in a fourth-storey flat, don't you?"
  4. Delightedly greet them as though they were your best friend. Tell them all your latest news & gossip. Discuss what you watched on the TV lately. Inquire into their love life. Ask them what books they've read. Complain about the weather. Cheerfully and politely talk about absolutely anything other than what they phoned you for.
  5. Ask them to hold on for just a moment: you'll be right back. Optionally, turn on one of those embarrassing records that you pretend not to own because everybody hates it (Everybody has at least one). See how long their patience lasts. If you're lucky, they'll be in one of those centers where they can't actually hang up.
  6. Explain that you are actually your own son/daughter, answering the phone because your parents were both tragically killed. If you're feeling particularly tenacious, try and get them to donate money towards the funeral.
  7. Pinch your nose and pretend to be an answerphone recording. See if you can make a beep realistic enough to fool them into leaving a message.
  8. If you've still got an old 56k modem on your PC, hit the "dialup" button. When they ask what the godawful screeching and beeping is, deny all knowledge.
  9. Answer the phone with "Hi, I'm in a public phone box and I don't have any more coins. Can you take my number and call me back?"
  10. Pretend to be deaf. Accuse them of mumbling, then complain they're shouting too loud. Repeat.
  11. Act normally. Quietly inflate a balloon while they're talking. Suddenly scream "Who are you? What are you doing in my house? Is that a gun?" and pop the balloon with a pin. Drop the phone and get on with whatever you were doing until the police arrive.

Any other suggestions? :o)


6 comments

aysiu
Comment from: aysiu [Visitor] · http://www.psychocats.net/ubuntu
I do #1 all the time. I pick up the phone and just leave it on the ground next to me. I don't know how long it takes for them to hang up, but they do eventually.
19/05/06 @ 12:34
titanium_geek
Comment from: titanium_geek [Visitor] · http://www.creativehedgehog.com
I don't know if I would be game enough to do 11, but I think it is the funniest out of the lot.

another one I've read is to say "hi! Fred!... quit kidding around Fred. I know it's you. great gag- you really sound like one of those annoying call centres. Ha ha ha. seriously, how's your mum?" (etc etc. substitute "Fred" with another friends name as desired.)
19/05/06 @ 19:43
Ray
Comment from: Ray [Visitor] · http://lostaddress.org
I used to finish all phone conversations with "what goes 'click', 'durrrrrrr'?" and the put the phone down (only works on landlines).

Good list.
20/05/06 @ 06:28
i REALLY excellent one i always use is i ask them loads of questions about them selves, resulting in asking them on a date, and when they refuse cry down the phone ' dont you love me!?' its so funny! on the other hand, you could askthem what they think would happen if you put a frog in the blender. then, turn on the hairdryer, a few minutes later, inform them that they were very wrong! tee hee. they hang up after i tell them i doing voo doo to my teacher. xxx me xxx
30/05/06 @ 05:48
Tom Oxton
Comment from: Tom Oxton [Visitor]
Love all 11. Another 4 the test is... Wen they call, try to sound really interested in their job. Insist it is your life aspiration to be a sales caller. Begin an interview.
07/06/06 @ 15:54
alfred woodward
Comment from: alfred woodward [Visitor]
Say you are going to get your mother. Then wait 5 minutes, come back and say your husband makes all the decisions but he wont be home until later so could they please wait. every few minutes say something like you think he's back but oh no its just the neighbour. Fun for hours.
01/09/06 @ 13:04
 

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