OneAndOneIs2

You probably won't get this if you haven't spent quite a bit of time in England lately...

When I went to the Natural History Museum a while ago with my follow science-teachers-in-training, we came across an exhibit of an ostrich skeleton. I have no idea why it was there, but one of my companions said he thought it looked a bit like a chav girl.

I came back with "Well, it is a bird with a tiny brain and enormous thighs..." and there was a sudden outbreak of giggles.

But in fairness, ostriches aren't nearly as thick as my most-hated bird. Which is the pheasant.

I used to encounter a lot of these when I was driving 20 miles to work every day a few years ago. Or rather, my front bumper did, because I ran quite a few of them over.

Not deliberately. Unless they were suicidal, in which case it was deliberate on their part. But rather, Darwinism in action.

I had almost forgotten them, until I came across one this morning as I drove to school.

It was on the pavement. I was (oddly enough) on the road. So far so good.

In order to escape from the terrible big red thing coming towards it, the stupid creature decided to hop out into the road.

So far, so not good. So I swerved out a bit to the right, as there was no oncoming traffic. At this point, the moronic bird clearly felt that its only hope of safety was to make a run for it, and it made a break for the other side of the road.

This was, you may have noticed, the SECOND time it had tried to get to safety by going from being OUT of my way to being IN it.

So I slammed on the brakes, swerved BACK to the left, and saw with a sinking feeling that it was about to go under my tyres. And that always makes such an unpleasant noise.

Only at this point, having suicidally put itself into ever-increasing levels of danger TWICE, did the bloody thing actually make an intelligent move: It flapped its wings and got out of my way at last. It lost a few tail feathers, but landed otherwise-unharmed back on the pavement it had started out from.

In my rear view mirror, I saw it give me a dirty look for coming so close to doing it serious harm. Doubtless, it would have been thinking "I don't know how many drivers like that live with themselves" if only its microscopically puny brain had been capable of holding such a thought. Or any thought at all, for that matter.

On the plus side, I can always console myself with the sure and certain knowledge that he, like all his brother and sister pheasants, will shortly be hunted down, rounded up, and shot by hungry meat-eaters in abundance.