OneAndOneIs2

I don't usually make personal posts on this blog. Today I'm making an exception.

I worked at a pharmaceutical company for eight years. In that time, I developed a mixed view of the industry. There genuinely are a lot of people working to create better approaches to dealing with illnesses that cause pain and suffering to people all over the world.

There are also the profiteers whose only interest in illness is how much money they can make by selling pills for it.

My view of anti-depressants is that they are deeply-beloved by the second group. Mind-altering substances that seem to be handed out like Smarties. I swear if you went to the doctor and said "I'm sad because my dog died" you'd have at least an even chance of getting your hands on anti-depressants.

I think they're over-prescribed and that by labelling temporary sadness or grief as "depression" they trivialise a very serious and unpleasant medical condition.

I don't like them, I don't like the way they're marketed or used.

I say that to give some context to the point of this post, because it might make it understandable just what it means when I say that this morning, I finally came to the conclusion that maybe I should be on them.

I worked for a pharma. company for eight years. I didn't really get on with my co-workers or enjoy the work. I spent eight hours a day on a computer and for most of the time I was working there, I suffered from chronic pain (still do) that caused such bad RSI that at one point I was wearing wrist supports, using a special keyboard, sitting on a special chair, taking painkillers, and still barely able to get through the day.

So I was unhappy, oddly enough. But it was because the job sucked, surely?

Then I left the job and started on the PGCE (teacher training course). Didn't get any happier, but I split up with my g/f of six years at the start and it was a bloody hard course. "Emotional rollercoaster" doesn't begin to describe it: It wasn't "ups and downs" it was "downs and further downs"

So I wasn't very happy. But I could blame it on the course and the end of a relationship, so didn't give it much thought.

Whilst on the course, I met and fell hopelessly in love with a girl living 200 miles away. I did get some happiness out of that, but being so far apart made it very hard too.

Shortly after I quit the PGCE, that relationship ended and it completely broke my heart. Even with no stress from a job or course, I wasn't happy but had something else to blame it on.

I went travelling all around Europe and saw lots of interesting places and met a lot of new people. But it's lonely, being in foreign countries on your own. So even though it was a chore to make myself go sightsee or make new friends, I still had something to blame being unhappy on.

But here we are today, and I've just launched my own company and I've no particular financial worries or problems, and you know what?

If there's been a single day in the last two or three years when I haven't cried or been on the verge of it at least once, I don't remember it. Getting the company actually started hasn't been the exciting, exhilarating experience all the business-books talk about. It's been an unrelenting chore that I've just been too stubborn to give up on. Launching on Tuesday wasn't a big triumph, it just left me feeling slightly empty and confused as to what to do next.

I have more things to look forward to that I can conveniently list in one go but it's a real, serious effort to actually make myself think about them. Most of the time I can't get my mind off thinking about things that I know make me depressed. My ex from the PGCE has been one of the main contenders and that poor girl has borne it all with the patience of a saint.

I said a while ago I have another blog for the personal stuff. I made a resolution about a month ago to try and blog on it every day and write about what was making me unhappy. I've since written roughly one and a half posts each day with an average count of over eleven hundred words.

So when I went into town this morning, I went into the library and picked up some books on depression, and read through them. And you know what I saw?

I saw a word-perfect description of myself and how I've been feeling for the last I-don't-know-how-many years.

Depression becomes a set of habits, behaviours, thought processes, assumptions and feelings that seems very much like your core self.

the skills we develop with depression to save ourselves pain - skills like emotional control, isolation, putting others first, being over-responsible

The hallmark of depression is a persistent sad or empty mood sometimes experienced as tension or anxiety. Life lacks pleasure. There is often a nagging fatigue, a sense of being unable to focus, a feeling of being unproductive.

I don't know how many years it's been that quotes like those have accurately described how I feel, but it's long enough that I can't actually remember feeling any different.

And so I'm writing this blog post, mainly because various friends and family members read it and quite honestly I can't face trying to bring it up face-to-face or on the phone but I think I need to get it out in the open.

I made the decision to go see the doctor on Monday because the GP I'm registered with is closed on weekends, and I've felt more optimistic since making that decision than I've felt in months.

I've also developed a splitting headache, so I'm going to go and sit quietly and eat a rather late lunch now.